A Satirical by an ex-Ahmadi
20th January 2005
Dear Mirza Ghulam Ahmad Sahib,
I am writing to you in English as my Urdu is not that great. However, since you received revelations in English (let’s overlook the poor grammar, shall we?) and since no doubt you are with your esteemed friends, including Maulvi Muhammad Ali, whose grasp of English I understand was very good, getting a translation shouldn’t be a problem.
I appreciate that you are no longer alive, but since you measure the success of the mission of the Promised Messiah in terms of the lifetime of the movement, I thought the matter of your being on this realm or not was hair-splitting. Incidentally, I looked for the Promised Messiah in the Holy Qur’an, but couldn’t find him. I couldn’t find Hadhrat Imam Mahdi there either. Oh, I found Hadhrat Isa, but let’s face it, you’re not the same person. As for Krishna, I found no reference to him in our Noble Qur’an either. So please excuse me if in my confusion over your identity, I simply refer to you as respected Mirza Sahib.
This is an open letter, and I’m sure that those who are still loyal to your jama’at and who will remember me as being loyal to your jama’at before November 2004 will find the way I have addressed you to be a little disrespectful, not calling you Hazoor and all that, a term that I feel is more appropriate for the Holy Prophet Muhammad SAW by the way. I know you said that "those who distinguish between me and Mustafa, have neither seen me, nor recognised me", but I’m sorry, although I’ve only seen your picture - you definitely aren’t the Holy Prophet Muhammad SAW. I know you’re from India, but aren’t you taking this Hindu concept of reincarnation a little too far?
In case this stings you slightly, I should point out that the Holy Prophet Muhammad SAW, whom you followed in perfection to the point of being a second and improved advent of him was never averse to questions. Or was it Hadhrat Isa you claimed to be a second advent of? Or Krishna? Or was it all the prophets? I apologise for my confusion!
Since you have also abrogated the Qur’anic injuction of Jihad of the sword (Qital) for all time, I thought you would be open to a Jihad of the pen and thus my open letter. Don’t worry if you can’t reply yourself, I’d be happy to hear from one of your progeny, I mean, successors, seeing as they get revelations too. Maybe you could inspire them to reply?
Please excuse my frankness. As I say, I mean you no disrespect, this is merely my style. If you find me provocative, then I mean to provoke thought, not anger, you should consider me a friend! I really wouldn’t want you to write me a letter with a thousand numbered invocations of laanat. Since you have done this before, I wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of you and receive perhaps 10,000 laanats or more, all diligently numbered.
Hey! That gives me an idea! If you had followed this example to its logical conclusion, then perhaps you could have delivered on your original promise of 50 volumes of the Braheen-i-Ahmadiyya after all, instead of reneging on your deal with Muslims and delivering only 5 volumes! I can understand why you had been criticising and abusing the poor suckers who had been waiting 20 years who foolishly asked for their money back. After all, didn’t they see the funny side of you deleting only a single dot from the promised figure? These Muslims! No sense of humour!
If you had followed my suggestion, perhaps you could have filled the 45 missing volumes with laanats for all of your enemies! Or for all future enemies! For all of Islam in fact, because over a billion Muslims still don’t believe in you and therefore, as you say, are not really Muslims anyway. So that’s OK then. Anyway, I digress - that way, you could have avoided all those unfair accusations that you were not setting a good example in terms of sticking to promises; or just as bad, that you had gone back on a business deal and that the customers of the transaction were indignant about only getting a tenth of what they paid for.
Never mind, we could always get one of your divinely-ordained progeny, I mean of course, an independent Khalifa who is not necessarily a direct descendant of your family and heir to your money (silly me, I meant the money you took from those suckers that believed you, just because you were as charismatic and brilliant at debate as any modern cult leader – I’d love to see who’d win a mubahila between you and L. Ron Hubbard) to write the missing volumes and claim that they were there all along, but that "stupid Muslims" hadn’t seen them or asked about them. It would be so easy, I mean, as you know, nowadays we have the word processor and we have cut and paste! Damn! If you had had these things in your day, you might have been able to do it yourself! Just hit Ctrl-V for half a day (you could do it between Fajr and Asr, since you had time because you were in the habit of doing Zohr and Asr together, great time-saver! How else were you going to break the cross, eh?) and you would have been able to stick to your promise!
Oh the bit about your family, I meant Hakim Noor-u-din notwithstanding; let’s face it, Ahmadiyyat was more his idea than yours anyway. I don’t think you denied that. You were just the front-man. The charismatic leader who could contradict himself a thousand times, but like Tony Blair, never get chucked out of your God-appointed office. You were untouchable. Whoops, didn’t quite mean it like that, you know what I mean!
Oh there’s a bit of confusion for me right there. You said your office was appointed by the "stamp"-like seal of the Holy Prophet SAW. I was under the impression that only Allah had the power to appoint prophets. My bad. Sorry for the misapprehension.
You handing over power to your brother-in-arms (oh, we can’t have that, you abrogated arms, whilst confiscating alms) … your brother-in-no-arms after your death probably inspired Prime Minister Tony Blair. Looks like he won’t hand over power to Gordon Brown until after his own demise either. And like Noor-u-din, Brown was always the real brains and Power behind the Throne. Of course – your throne is the greatest of all sent down according to what your God told you. Do you remember? I think you’re so impressive - that people still believed you after you made such obviously over-the-top claims about your own grandiosity and enormity.
Remember, you were promising 300 proofs of the superiority of Islam? I had an idea! Although you delivered only one proof in the end, you could have argued that since Allah is One, to have delivered 300 proofs might have implied a compromise in His Unity (God forbid). In fact, you could have just deleted the nukhtas and said "Since the difference between 300 and 3 is only two nukhtas, my promise has been fulfilled to those of understanding". But wait! That still leaves you with two proofs too many! I know, you could have added "Allah revealed to me that three proofs is abrogated for all time, and He said He doesn’t want anything to do with the number "3" as it represents the Trinity and the ideology of the cross. And I have to get on with destroying that. My job role as Promised Messiah is too important an issue to set aside just to be fair and reasonable! So since I am here to show that there is no ‘3’, and there is only ‘1’, I have kept my promise". Oh and of course, I almost forgot. Your job role as the Promised Messiah also obviated your requirement to do Hajj. People should understand that breaking the cross, which of course you did, oh wait, no, Christianity increased both during your office term and after it; let’s think about that one for a bit. Anyway, we’ll work out a good excuse as to why "the second advent of the Holy Prophet Muhammad SAW" didn’t do Hajj.
Those "idiot Muslims" who were expecting you to stick to the letter of your word should have known that Allah Himself told you directly that you are to Him as His Unity and Uniqueness. Not even the Holy Prophet SAW could have claimed such a revelation! Isn’t your jama’at lucky to have you? Then again, you have claimed to be a more perfect advent of RasulAllah SAW and people really shouldn’t be expecting you to be so earthly as to condescend to honour a public transaction. That would mean you offered nothing new in Islam! No Shariah, no deal. It doesn’t matter that there is no concept of a Shariah-free-prophethood mentioned in the Holy Qur’an, since you are the best person to interpret it until Judgement Day.
Let’s face it, one of your greatest achievements was the new and interesting way you interpreted the Holy Qur’an! What were all those Arabs thinking of that they didn’t even understand their own language that it took a man of Mongolian, I mean, sorry, Persian descent to tell them what the Holy Qur’an really meant? You came to reform, to guide, to innovate all those great thinkers. Even Imam Bukhari got it wrong with his Sahih Bukhari, don’t you think? All that stuff about the Holy Prophet SAW being the last in the line of prophets! What a daft idea! It was something that no native Arab speaker for 1400 years got the hang of!
Anyway, what’s wrong with a fresh idea? What would be the point in another prophet like you if he was not going to be innovating in religion, even though Allah Himself has expressly forbidden it? Like your God said to you, if it wasn’t for you, He wouldn’t have created the heavens! I guess He created the Qur’an for you too, right? I mean, He did reveal it to you again. Maybe you think He got it wrong the first time? Maybe you think you understood it better than the Holy Prophet Muhammad SAW and his Sahaba? Oh wait. You have Sahaba too, right? This is all getting a bit confusing.
Respected Mirza Sahib, I don’t mean to poke fun. You see, I’m of the Internet generation. We ask questions. We want to learn. We don’t just take things at face value. That might make us a little impertinent, but we don’t want to be taken for a ride. I’m sure you wouldn’t want innocent people taken for a ride. Would you?
Well, I’m sure you’re busy getting ready for your heavenly nikkah with Muhammadi Begum, that is assuming her legitimate and rightful husband doesn’t object, but who is he to stand in the way of such a great prophet, right? I know you can’t write back, but I know you’ll find a way of reading this. Perhaps you can ask Allah to inspire one of your descendants to respond? I’d love to know what you think of my ideas.
Shahid Kamal Ahmad